It was nice to go see everyone today, I have been gone a week and it feels like a lifetime. Walking into The Drama Hall was weird, a rush of memories right as i went in, and i had only been gone a week. Everyone came out of the drama room and the next 15 minutes were filled with a gazillion "how are you's" hugs and "im so glad to see you's", its nice to know im loved. Becuase sometimes im dumb enough to lose sight of that. Reminders are always nice in times where you just want to give up and hide out in a dark room till its all over, but you cant because theres to much to go on. Certain people make me happy, and i saw them today so i went home in a good mood, sadly the mood is fading into thoughts and fears. The ones i try so hard to avoid but i cant. Its become rather familar, those thoughts and fears. The ones no one will understand. And its become all too routine knowing that i cant go to sleep untill i cant keep my eyes open any longer, well i could but those thoughts and fears will haunt me. Like a little voice in the back of my head getting louder and louder untill i cant take it anymore.





I didnt think i was going to be as scared this time around, but now that its a week and 2 days away, im scared. No way around it. No way to cope with it. But to accept that i have to face it, and try to put the best face on, untill its time. I actually fooled myself into thinking for like a minute that i wouldnt have to go, that i would be able to change the fact i have to have surgery. Like i said this lasted a minute.It makes me feel better knowing people want to come visit me and are praying that it will go fine, which it will. i just have to keep telling myself that. its going to go fine, its going to be alright, its going to be fine. I tell myself this day in and day out, and somewhere within the last two days i stopped believing it. I wanted to write happier entries, to distract myself from the sadness, worriedness, and non stop thinking, that i have been going thru for the past three weeks, but my posts to me get sadder and sadder. Im sorry.




But tomorrow is another day, another day where i will sleep late, wake up, fight with my mom about everything she doesnt understand, go see my friends(and be happy for a while) come home and think(and then be blah). Its all to routine, its all to routine. Soon tho my time will be filled with concentrating on getting better, for the goal of all of this, to have the best summer ever. I guess thats what i have to look forward to. But before that i have to face what i dont want to and thats what scares me. But i will get thru it and i will be fine, as long as i can believe that. i really do hope my friends come to visit, that would make this easier, to know that for sure they would come visit. But i wont be disapointed if some of them dont. Things happen, people get busy, stuff comes up. Ill understand.



Im sorry i havent been myself lately. Sorry i havent seemed more interested in things going on, or peoples problems. Im trying believ me Im trying. Dont give up on me because you think im being "bitchy" or whatever it is you think. Dont give up on me now, i need you all more than you know. Im sorry, for anything i have done in the past three weeks, that is mean or bitchy or whatever. i hope you all can understand.



"Hey, don't write yourself off yet
It's only in your head you feel left out or
looked down on.
Just try your best, try everything you can.
And don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away
Live right now.
Yeah, just be yourself.
It doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else.
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright)."
- the middle