By The Way......

Today was interesting. The past few days have been interesting. Everything is finally catching up with me. And I don’t know if it is a good thing. My lack of sleep, the stress, the worry over a lot of things, everything I have been thinking about lately, just kind of hit me all at once today. I think it was half way through our 6-hour rehearsal. When everything kind of just went blurry. Where everything just mixed up in my head.

There are times when I wish I could be one of those people who didn’t stress, or worry. But I’m not. I stress out and worry and let things get to me. Its one of my flaws. Or maybe it’s a good thing. I haven’t quite figured that out yet. I think it was a bad idea to be involved in two one acts (on the same night) and being crew chief for the mainstage. The set is coming along very slowly. And I feel like I am failing miserably at being crew chief. I feel like I am letting Michelle down, and I don’t quite know how I feel about the whole stage-managing for the one act. I feel like I am not doing well enough at any of it. And I am so nervous and scared for Tuesday night. And I know when it’s all over I’m going to cry. (Damn girls and our crying.) Unless I cry tomorrow at some point, which just might happen. Everything is pilling up. With school and theatre and friends, it’s becoming too much to handle. And I just keep thinking how Tuesday can’t come fast enough but how much at the same time I don’t want it to come.

It’s all so confusing right now, wait it’s always like this. I never really feel ok with everything in my life. And I know everyone feels like this but isn’t there supposed to be at least a little bit of time where everything is supposed to feel right. I mean a time where I can feel like “wow I’m ok” and mean it. I’m tired of saying I’m ok and knowing that’s a bunch of bullshit. I want everything to be ok for once. I want all the stress to go away.

One of the things adding to this is I’m only about a month away from my next cardiologist appointment. And I used to only get all freaked out and worried about it like the week before, but ever since last spring, the whole month before is hell for me. I always sit and think; wow I’m feeling perfectly fine but could go in and am told, “You have to have surgery again”. <- That right there is probably the most frightening sentence to me. Its what scares me more than probably anything in the whole entire world. And yet I’m going to sit in torture for another month hoping and wondering what’s going to happen when I go to that appointment. Pathetic isn’t it?

And with the whole one act thing, I wish I could sit back and think this isn’t my grade so why the hell am I worrying about it so much. But I cant, the fact that the two one acts I am in are directed by two very good friends, makes me worry, “am I doing as well as I could be?” “I don’t want to let them down”… So I worry about how it’s going to go. This is so dumb. I am so dumb.

*Side Note I saw a shooting star tonight. And it made my day a thousand times better*