Is all there is left to find

"With all the words I say
Repeating over in my mind"

He called and invited me over to his house. And when i asked if i could bring someone with me, the voice on the other end went silent. "Its ok if you dont want me to bring anyone." another of those silences "no its fine"
that conversation keeps running through my mind. Why couldnt i just go myself. Because im dumb. What would have happened had i gone there myself. Probably Nothing. Oh well i cant change what happened. I just keep thinking of that silence. what another persons silence can do to you.

I cant sleep. I havent slept in the longest time. Im beginning to wonder what it was like to get a good nights sleep. Everything just floods my mind when i try to sleep. So i have to stay awake untill i cant stay awake any longer. Its an intersting game.

I keep questioning why i am friends with someone. because he does nothing good for me. Its all bad. I never feel good about myself when im around him, and lately i dont feel good about myself ever. so it just makes me feel like 40 million times worse. There is never anything positive that comes from it. And i think the only reason i am still friends with him is because he is involved in what i am constantly involved with. So if i were to say hey i cant do this any more. I would still see him every day and i would lose another friend. I guess i just have to look at it like only a half a year left of it.

But i finally found someone who makes me feel wonderful about myself so i guess that makes up for it.

all i keep thinking about is that silence.
and how unhappy i am

and i just keep going. because there are like 2 people in my life right now who give me reasons to wake up in the morning

"Do I expect to change
The past I hold inside
With all the words I say
Repeating over in my mind
Some things you can't erase
No matter how hard you try
An exit to escape
Is all there is left to find"