So far summer has been good. Granted im only two days into it, but still im glad its been good. I am slowly getting better, last time it took forever to feel better physically, but now its taking forever emotionally and physcologically. I have good days and bad days. Im still dealing with what i went thru and all the stuff that went along with it. I wish i could put it all behind me, but its a process. I have days where im in a dont touch me, dont talk to me just leave me the hell alone type mood, and it seems those are the days people want to be there for me the most. I need space, i need time to deal with this. And when i tell people that i get the "Its bad to bottle it up inside and not tell anyone" type of lecture, i dont need it, ive heard it before, i have it memorized, fine what im doing is bad but leave me the hell alone about it.

Yet never have i really opened up to anyone about any of this before. Becuase its gotten to the point where i feel i cant trust anyone anymore. I cant count on anyone to stick around anymore. Ive been hurt too many times in the past, i thought i had someone to trust, and i opened up and everything i said ends up being told to other people. I cant take being hurt anymore. I hate that i feel i cant trust anyone. I dont know anyone anymore, everyone i thought i knew turned out to be someone different.

Ive been told i have too many problems... what does that mean. that was the reason i lost someone close to me, i had to many problems, they couldnt deal with it. Some friend. All i have ever wanted was to get rid of all the problems. For once in my life to be free of health issues and be a normal teenager. Its what turns people away in the end, and i hate it. I try so hard to be positive about it and say i will be stronger in the end, and it does make me a stronger person, but it brings along so much extra hurt. I dont want any of this. I hate that people make jokes about my health, even when i know they are kidding it hurts. I hate the fact that i am done with this now, but i get to look forward to it again 10 years from now.

I want it all to go away. I want some stability in my life. I want to beable to trust again. I want to feel safe with certain friends again. I want to know that someone will stick around longer than a couple of months. I want the hurt to go away, but i know it will never fully be gone.

Enough self pity. Good Night