Tonight was so emotionally draining for me. I tried so hard not to cry, but by the end when people started leaving i couldnt keep it in anymore. It was to hard. Tonight was hard, really hard. I went from happy, to sad, to angry, to sad again. Emily felt the need to make an anouncement about my surgery at the end after some people left. It made me so mad that she did that. It wasnt her place at all and thats what makes me mad. I wanted to just walk out, leave or just be alone. I already hated the fact that i was crying and a few people noticed, but the fact then that everyone who was still there was made aware of that, made me so mad and embarressed. I know that most people already knew, and those who didnt were going to find out, but i am the one who is supposed to decide who i tell and who finds out, not someone elses. I deal with things my own way, and i really freaked out tonight when she did that. I didnt know what to do. My way of dealing with things, is making people believe that i am fine, while trusting a certain few with how i really feel. And Now i wish i had told no one at all. That was not the way i wanted my night to end, i wanted to say goodbye to people in my own way and then go home. but again nothing ever turns out how i want it, so why did i expect that tonight?

Andrew was the first one to come up and give me a hug. It was exactly what i needed, a hug from like my best friend. He told me that everything would be alright, and not to worry. And just hugged me. Matt came up and gave me a big hug, and told me that everything was going to be fine and i shouldnt be crying, and then told me he would bring me comic books and visit me. He promised me that, when i thought i was going to have to be in the hospital before, and i was surprised and happy that he remembered. And i know he will come visit me. Rob gave me a big hug and told me goodluck, and then made fun of me becuase my voice cracked, just like he always does. Andrew promised he would come visit, and i know he will, he said he would be there with bells on.

I went outside for alittle while, said goodbye to kaila and all of them. Cried again. Went inside talked to greg and tedy and matt for a while. Then it got to be to much, and i left. I blasted the music all the way home and just cried. Tonight was the last time i would be with all my friends. Everyone told me to just remember there is this summer and next year. But i didnt want to hear that tonight. I didnt want to hear any of that. I just wanted to be with everyone and enjoy everything. That all went to hell, and i just felt incredibly depressed at the end. I know that by this time next week i will have seen or will see alot of people, so tonight wasnt the last time i would be with them, but to me it was. A part of me is gone for right now, becuase i wont be surrounded by friends everyday.

I am so incredibly depressed right now. I am sad and scared, and depressed. This week is going to be hard. Its the uncertanty of it all, i know i will be fine, but i wont believe it untill i wake up. I cant stop crying, i wish i never started. I wish no one had seen me the way i was earlier. I want this to be all over so i can go on with everything, I want to not have to do this at all. I miss it all and everyone already, and i have only been gone an hour. Everything is jumbled inside my head right now. A mix of sadness and anger. I just want everything to go okay. Thats all. I want to know that everything goes fine. I hate worrying i hate it so much. I so badly want to give up right now. But then i look at the frame around my monitor that is decorated with memories from the various shows this year, like my crayon and whistle from The Yellow Boat, and my Jenga Block from H2$ and the picture of me and andrew from the cast party and the confetti from tonight, and then all the pictures that decorate the wall behind my computer of all the theater kids, and the face of the mask rob and dan made for scene shop baseball, and the sign i stole from strike that says Baseball and Rob Smells on it, and i know why i cant give up. But right now i just want to give up.