Everything lovely and more.

A few years later I found my way back. Madly in love with a boy, starting our lives together in a small house with our two lovely dogs.

Tuesday, December 23, 2003

This is what i remember......

The lights danced to the music. Its the best part of zoolights. and we sat and watched it twice last night. it was magical. i felt like such a little kid, becuase i was in total awe of the lights and the music, and the atmosphere. I sat there remembering. just taking alittle time to think about everything this past year. all the good things and good times i have had.






I remember turning 16, and it was the first new years i was out doing something. i went to katie lachers house for the theatre new years eve party. it was the most fun i ever had with all the theatre kids. I saw andrew for the first time in quite a while. we counted down and everyone hugged and all that good stuff. Then they all sang me happy birthday. It was the first time i was actually with my friends when i turned a year older.

I remember arsenic & old lace. And it was the first show i was in. And how excited i was even tho i didnt have a speaking part. I remember comming home from rehearsals with bruises from being elbowed in the face or kicked in the shins, from our cop scene with rob. I remember driving him places. like to and from rehearsal. or to plaster parties and all that stuff. and i remember just talking. those were some of the best conversations i ever had. I remember show nights, and driving around for hours talking.

I remember H2$ and how much hell that was. but so much fun at the same time. I was stage manager with tedy and katie. I remember becomming alot closer friends with rob that show. I remember that stupid table, that we rebuilt three times and they almost didnt use. I remember that show was the first time rob ever made me cry. I found out i had to have surgery during that show. i didnt want to tell anyone, but everyone was so supportive. That was when i really started to get to know casey to the point of us being close friends. I remember the show being over and me leaving. and how hard it was for me to leave everyone in theatre, and leaving rob, dan, tedy, katie and casey. Probably the hardest thing ive ever done.

I remember staying up the night before my surgery talking to greg for hours. about everything, we talked about going to the beach and it took my mind off everything. I didnt get any sleep that night. I remember talking to andrew about things and how scared i was. and he made me feel really at ease. so did matt.

I remember rob and dan visiting me for two hours at the hospital. and how incredibly happy they made me because at the time they were my closest friends. They took the hospital atmosphere away, and made everything seem normal for once. I remember rob visitng me at my house the day i got home. and how wonderful that was.

I remember starting school

and then kailas one act. and how much hell that was. but how rob and casey kept me sane. thats when casey really became my best friend. and im so glad it all happened the way it did. because i dont know what i would do if it turned out any differently.

I remember trivia night being cancelled and hanging out with chiara, and forking craigs yard. and just having so much fun with her and casey that night. And how that was the start of the best 5 weeks of my life. i remember everything and how happy i was

and that brings me too the present. where i sit here thinking of the turn of events this week. and how last night made me happy.

i look to the future, and i see christmas and then my birthday. which i will spend with my two best friends at tempe town lake. and i wouldnt want it any other way.

I wouldnt want my life any other way right now. and had one event regardless of how small, been changed i dont think i would be where i am right now. and so i realized that no matter how incredibly crappy and hard life gets. there will be a time when it is so incredibly beautiful and right. and so for all the hard times ive been through im thankful because it brought me where i am today

Monday, December 22, 2003

I am not: unhappy, but not happy at the same time
I hurt: alot and cant figure out why
I love: to laugh
I hate: that i was hurt by my best friends
I fear: i didnt make the right choice
I hope: that things will be okay in the end.
I hear: Taking Back Sunday.
I crave: a hug.
I regret: nothing right now
I cry: because i cant tell people im hurt.
I care: too much about my friends.
I always: drive myself crazy thinking.
I long to: be happy with everything in my life.
I feel alone: when i feel like people dont listen or care.
I listen:even when people think im not.
I hide: A lot.
I drive:when im sad or mad.
I sing: constantly.
I dance: goofy.
I write: exactly how i feel.
I play: off that i dont need people.
I miss: Park nights and talking.
I search: for the truth .
I learn: alot from peoples actions.
I feel: a lot and nothing at the same time.
I know: that nothing is going to be the same anymore regardless of what they say.
I say: the right things at the wrong times
I succeed: in hiding how i feel
I fail: in telling people when they have hurt me
I dream: way too much
I sleep: very little lately.
I wonder: where i will end up in life.
I want: to conquer my dreams.
I worry: about everything.
I have: to learn to not listen to the bad things people say.
I give: my all in everything i do.
I fight: realizing how i really feel.
I wait: for nothing.
I need: to figure things out.
I am: never sure of how i feel,
I think: I'm going crazy.
I can't help the fact that: i worry too much.
I sit: writing how i feel, wishing things were different, but knowing they never will be