So today wasn’t too bad. It was nice, that while im in a horrible mood, I can still laugh and be semi happy. Maybe it was the people I was around the most that made me happy. The friends who can always put a smile on my face no matter what.
I think I will cry when Kailas show is over. I have had such an amazing time working on this show. Even though rehearsals weren’t really rehearsals they were still some of the best times ever. Boy oh boy can those boys be soooo goofy. But I always know that I would go to those rehearsals and never have to worry about being pissed off. I mean there really is no way possible to be pissed off at those rehearsals.
As Casey put it on the car ride home today "when its good, its good.... When its bad, it sucks" oh how that is so true. As much as right now I can’t see the other side of this weirdness right now, I still know it will get better. So there is hope still and it’s nice to finally be able to know that while it sucks now it’s going to be okay in the long run. And I need to let myself be in a weirdness mood for it to go away. I can’t keep pushing things away anymore.
I am at that point where everything is just eating away at me slowly. That point where anything can send me over the edge. And I don’t know what to do about it. I am scared im going to snap at one of my close friends and I don’t want to. And while Casey told me I can always talk to him, after the shit that’s happened the last two weeks I don’t know if I can go to anyone anymore. And I hate that feeling.
Driving to my house after rehearsal we were talking and he said something about how they took prom pictures by the lake in a neighborhood near my house. I got kind of quiet because I didn’t get to go and I hated the fact that I didn’t get to go. And I told him later how last year at the end of the year… That it was the worst off I have ever been. It was the first time I ever really admitted that to anyone. I am always scared of what people will think when I say that. And I never thought it would come out like that in that kind of situation. But im glad it did. I am really glad that someone finally realizes from me that I was in a bad place at the end of the year.
I still cant go to anyone because I feel everyone has their own problems and no one cares really about what other people are going through. Yes I know that’s not true but right now it’s really how I feel. I don’t want to be the one who complains and cant deal with their shit and what life gives them. Because I can but sometimes it’s nice to say it out loud, to someone else, to stop feeling like you’re hiding everything or lying about how you feel. So I have been writing myself letters. To get rid of some of this anger. But it really hasn’t worked that well. Maybe I need to give it time, or maybe I need to talk.
There are times I feel I am losing sight of myself. Becoming too caught up in everything around me, to take time to take care of myself. But yet there really isn’t any time to sit down and figure out what’s going on with me. And why I am feeling the way I am feeling. Yet I know why I am feeling the way I do.
Everything right now is confusing, yet so simple. Make sense? Probably not.
“ Some of its magic, Some of its tragic. But I had a good life all the same”- Jimmy Buffett
