Everything lovely and more.

A few years later I found my way back. Madly in love with a boy, starting our lives together in a small house with our two lovely dogs.

Saturday, November 15, 2003

Nobody's listening and i dont care


Last night was Wonderful! I havent had that much fun, in.... Hmmm.. I dont know how long.

Its funny, how i hang out with chiara and casey, and they are so wonderful to begin with, and everytime i hang out with one or the other or both for that fact, they seem to get more and more wonderful. I love it. Chiara always leaves me messages while im away on aim that make me so happy, and Casey just makes me laugh with about anything he says.
Last night was alot of fun. Talking to casey and chiara for a long time and then picking up sam and tina.
More nights like it please?

Ok chiara you hear that? we need to hang out alot more, because you are awesome/wonderful/make me happy
same with casey, sam and tina

Devilish Duo forever!

I finally have some friends who make me happy. Who would have thought? I sure didnt think it would happen.

Apartment better work out. THat would make me very happy. SO would camping, and maybe a roadtrip to flag over christmas break??

Thursday, November 13, 2003

Cellophane flowers of yellow and green

I want to walk down mill while the christmas lights are on, in the cold... Care to join?

Will someone come along and make me care.. please?


Marry me?



I want to go back.. Who will go with me?



Rain...... ive asked nicely, but....Come Back NOW!



Run away with me.. where?....the decisions are endless

"Where rocking horse people eat marshmellow pies,
Everyone smiles as you drift past the flowers,
That grow so incredibly high.
Newspaper taxis appear on the shore"

Wednesday, November 12, 2003

Rain Rain Dont Go away!

Today was a very good day. It was amazing, i havent had a true good day in so long. Im tired of letting things get to me. And while they still will, im just going to pretend they arent there or atleast just push them away. Because its too beautiful to be sad. Which is weird because rainy days and cloudy days usually put me in a funky mood.

Good Parts
*It rained, and rained and rained.
*My garage door opener broke. and when i tried to get into my house i fell. Twas very funny
*Casey's soccer practice ended up cancelled after they did training in the rain. So i took a soaked casey back to my house, to try and help me get inside. When i got home mom was here.
*We ate cookies and he helped me with my math homework
*I actually understood my math homework... and casey is going to help me now for the rest of the year!
* Dobb's is a totall kiss ass and actually taught class today, but only because he was being evaluated by the principal.
* Michelle and i got in trouble in that class
* and i dont think he likes me ( like i really care)
* Mom was in a good mood for once
* Dad wasnt home
* two more days left this week.
* Knowing i can take Advanced acting and Stage craft next year
* Knowing i can get my schedule changed so i have a decent math teacher


How can you ask for me to stay when all you ever do is go?

I woke up to rain. I sat outside in the rain last night. Rain makes me happy

Tuesday, November 11, 2003

What do you see?

I enjoyed my day off for the most part.
I dont want to go to school tomorrow.
I figured out my entire schedule for next year which is exciting

"heres the things i meant
but never said"

There is so much i dont want to talk about. So much no one would understand. And it sucks because it sits in the back of my mind. Someone told me two days ago everything wrong or bad in my life i deserve.. and im starting to believe it.
I try so hard to believe its not true. And someone else said ive become very distant and edgey lately.
I dont know anymore.
I was in such a wonderful mood, and i am trying so hard to keep it that way, but its so hard

what do you see
when you look at me?


Monday, November 10, 2003

Ill run away with you

Tonight was simply wonderful.
Im in a good mood, for once.
And i thank god i have casey to talk to.
Otherwise i would be crazy right now.
Today well this past week has been insane, and while i dont see it getting any better. There is still hope.
Hope i didnt see untill tonight.

Sunday, November 09, 2003

Is all there is left to find

"With all the words I say
Repeating over in my mind"

He called and invited me over to his house. And when i asked if i could bring someone with me, the voice on the other end went silent. "Its ok if you dont want me to bring anyone." another of those silences "no its fine"
that conversation keeps running through my mind. Why couldnt i just go myself. Because im dumb. What would have happened had i gone there myself. Probably Nothing. Oh well i cant change what happened. I just keep thinking of that silence. what another persons silence can do to you.

I cant sleep. I havent slept in the longest time. Im beginning to wonder what it was like to get a good nights sleep. Everything just floods my mind when i try to sleep. So i have to stay awake untill i cant stay awake any longer. Its an intersting game.

I keep questioning why i am friends with someone. because he does nothing good for me. Its all bad. I never feel good about myself when im around him, and lately i dont feel good about myself ever. so it just makes me feel like 40 million times worse. There is never anything positive that comes from it. And i think the only reason i am still friends with him is because he is involved in what i am constantly involved with. So if i were to say hey i cant do this any more. I would still see him every day and i would lose another friend. I guess i just have to look at it like only a half a year left of it.

But i finally found someone who makes me feel wonderful about myself so i guess that makes up for it.

all i keep thinking about is that silence.
and how unhappy i am

and i just keep going. because there are like 2 people in my life right now who give me reasons to wake up in the morning

"Do I expect to change
The past I hold inside
With all the words I say
Repeating over in my mind
Some things you can't erase
No matter how hard you try
An exit to escape
Is all there is left to find"


I need to know that things are gonna look up

I am so very tired, and kind of on a high from tonight so this probably wont make much sense. But i need to write, so here it goes.
Tonight was very interesting.
I'm unhappy
I wish i were happy
I wish everything would magically dissapear
I wish i would stop pushing things/ people away
Tonight was the first time in a long time, i felt like things were ok for a few hours.
I have to babysit tomorrow, oh well it will be fun because casey is going with
Trivia night friday, Michelles team is going to kick ass because Casey-squared is on it.
I got home and just started crying its weird, and i cant stop
Casey makes me happy
So does Chiara
and Michelle
Hanging out with casey sitting in his backyard talking about everything and anything makes my life ok for a little while.
So does laughing with chiara about gross stuff she doesnt like