Tonight was so emotionally draining for me. I tried so hard not to cry, but by the end when people started leaving i couldnt keep it in anymore. It was to hard. Tonight was hard, really hard. I went from happy, to sad, to angry, to sad again. Emily felt the need to make an anouncement about my surgery at the end after some people left. It made me so mad that she did that. It wasnt her place at all and thats what makes me mad. I wanted to just walk out, leave or just be alone. I already hated the fact that i was crying and a few people noticed, but the fact then that everyone who was still there was made aware of that, made me so mad and embarressed. I know that most people already knew, and those who didnt were going to find out, but i am the one who is supposed to decide who i tell and who finds out, not someone elses. I deal with things my own way, and i really freaked out tonight when she did that. I didnt know what to do. My way of dealing with things, is making people believe that i am fine, while trusting a certain few with how i really feel. And Now i wish i had told no one at all. That was not the way i wanted my night to end, i wanted to say goodbye to people in my own way and then go home. but again nothing ever turns out how i want it, so why did i expect that tonight?

Andrew was the first one to come up and give me a hug. It was exactly what i needed, a hug from like my best friend. He told me that everything would be alright, and not to worry. And just hugged me. Matt came up and gave me a big hug, and told me that everything was going to be fine and i shouldnt be crying, and then told me he would bring me comic books and visit me. He promised me that, when i thought i was going to have to be in the hospital before, and i was surprised and happy that he remembered. And i know he will come visit me. Rob gave me a big hug and told me goodluck, and then made fun of me becuase my voice cracked, just like he always does. Andrew promised he would come visit, and i know he will, he said he would be there with bells on.

I went outside for alittle while, said goodbye to kaila and all of them. Cried again. Went inside talked to greg and tedy and matt for a while. Then it got to be to much, and i left. I blasted the music all the way home and just cried. Tonight was the last time i would be with all my friends. Everyone told me to just remember there is this summer and next year. But i didnt want to hear that tonight. I didnt want to hear any of that. I just wanted to be with everyone and enjoy everything. That all went to hell, and i just felt incredibly depressed at the end. I know that by this time next week i will have seen or will see alot of people, so tonight wasnt the last time i would be with them, but to me it was. A part of me is gone for right now, becuase i wont be surrounded by friends everyday.

I am so incredibly depressed right now. I am sad and scared, and depressed. This week is going to be hard. Its the uncertanty of it all, i know i will be fine, but i wont believe it untill i wake up. I cant stop crying, i wish i never started. I wish no one had seen me the way i was earlier. I want this to be all over so i can go on with everything, I want to not have to do this at all. I miss it all and everyone already, and i have only been gone an hour. Everything is jumbled inside my head right now. A mix of sadness and anger. I just want everything to go okay. Thats all. I want to know that everything goes fine. I hate worrying i hate it so much. I so badly want to give up right now. But then i look at the frame around my monitor that is decorated with memories from the various shows this year, like my crayon and whistle from The Yellow Boat, and my Jenga Block from H2$ and the picture of me and andrew from the cast party and the confetti from tonight, and then all the pictures that decorate the wall behind my computer of all the theater kids, and the face of the mask rob and dan made for scene shop baseball, and the sign i stole from strike that says Baseball and Rob Smells on it, and i know why i cant give up. But right now i just want to give up.

Ive been staring at this white box for about ten minutes, trying to figure out what i want to write and how to put it. Then i figured that i would just start typing and see where it takes me. I got home from the dance concert about an hour ago. I had a good time tonight for the most part. being with some awesome people (nunemacher, greg, malo) made the night worth it. i never got to spend time with those boys and now i spent a week with them and im glad i did. tonight while cleaning up the scene shop i started thinking about how tonight was filled with alot of "lasts". Like how tonight was the last time i would go out and bow on that stage until next year. Or how it was the last time i would ever get to work with greg and malo before they graduate. How tonight was the last time i would be in that wonderful scene shop that has become a home to me, untill next year. How tonight was the last time i would take something apart that i helped build untill next year. Im missing out on the last 5 weeks of my sophmore year. All the memories and everything, but mostly the time. Im going to miss that place so much. But it will be there next year.

I really hope andrew goes to just desserts tomorrow, becuase it will be the last time i see him before my surgery. I know he is going to come visit me, tedy already talked to him about it, but i want to see him tomorrow. To get that one last hug, and to talk to him alittle.

Just Desserts is tomorrow, im glad i get to go, but its going to be hard for me. Becuase its so hard for me to say goodbye to people. I know its not really goodbye, becuase im sure by the end of next week i will have seen quite a few of them, its hard for me to have to end my year with these people. Hell im practically crying right now just thinking about it. I dont want it to be over. I want to be there, To be there to watch Matthew, Elizabeth, Andrew, Greg, Joey and everyone else take their last bow, and watch the last show they are ever in at mountain pointe. I want to watch the last improv show of the year. I want to go to the ellies. I want, I want, I want, But yet none of this i will have.I wont get to spend anymore late nights at crew. I wont get to drive around with rob and talk, and anyone else who joins us. I wont get to cause trouble, and draw chalk pictures on matt and robs driveways anymore, i wont get to write on the boys car windows with markers anymore. All of that is put on hold untill this summer. But i dont want it to be.

Im going to end this post here for tonight, there is alot more i wanted to write, but i can hardly see the keys or the screen. I hate being like this, i hate being afraid and sad and weak. I hate this so much.

I called that one. Nothing can stay gold forever, and for me it seems nothing can go my way for longer than a day. Well atleast lately. I got in a fight with a friend today, and i find it so funny how it always ends up comming back to me, how everything gets turned around to be my fault. I hate drama, and how some people need to have it in their life. I really do. And i find it funny how people like go out looking for it. Maybe its just me and how i wish i had nothing going on, that i could just go on with nothing being wrong. Or maybe its the fact that im faced with something so big that i realize how pathetic the small problems are. I get tired of being dumped by people. Having people just like dissapear. Stop making effort to want to do anything. And How people cop out when things get tough, luckily have mostly friends can handle my problems, who can help me deal with them. But there are always the few who are to scared to deal with whats going on and just cop out. And then make excuses becuase they just cant admit they are scared. I would understand becuase i am scared too. And i wish i could cop out when things get tough, but surprise surprise i cant. But like i said most of my friends can understand and be there for me, and im greatful for that! But gosh it sucks when my best friend who is supposed to be there for me the most, cops out. Just like stops caring. And then blames it on me. Last year a week before my surgery, i lost my 2 best friends, and what happens this year? same thing, except i only lost one. and i havent lost her yet but it sure feels like it. But it wont be as hard for me this time around, one i have been preparing myself for this for like a month, and two i have so many other amazing friends to fall back on. That was the good thing about this year i was open and made more friends, last year i closed my self up and really only hung out with a group of like 5 people. But this year is different and i am so glad it is different.

And Im so sick of people treating me differently, im still the same old casey that was there before. So treat me like you did before. Becuase i hate being treated differently, treating me like im going to break or something. To me thats the worst thing you can do.

"There's no sense in saying
That accusing you of using me ain't right
But I will not give up without a fight
Do or die
Yeah take it back"
- midtown

Tonights entry will probably jump around, i am just going to write down everything on my mind.
I cant wait to get my dress, altho i have to wait a year to wear it, its perfect and i love it. My best friend is drifting away, and there is nothing i can do. I try to keep everything going but she doesnt seem to care, so what can i do? Try and not worry about it i guess. I spent almost 7 hours today with a boy who makes me so incredibly happy. He makes me feel good about myself and truly cares about me! Yayness :). So i came home today in a good mood. He makes a good pillow, hehe ahh i cant stop smiling, and thinking about him, Damn boy who make me feel like a little kid at christmas. Hehe that was a random comparison, Fits my mood. Its funny how involved i became with crew for the dance show, and how close i am now with the 4 boys who work on it with me! The car ride home was fun, we talked the entire way to his house, he made me happy, talking about random stuff and cars, i know alot about cars now. Ok enough babbling about a cute boy. Im off to Bed, and for tonight and probably only tonight i will have good dreams. Good Night

I have the most amazing friends. I have finally found a group of kids who i can honestly call the best friends i have ever had, and i couldnt ask for anything else. These kids amaze me everyday. I really dont know how i got so lucky. They wont give up on me, or let me give up on myself. They tell me they love me when im sad. They tell me i mean something to them when i feel like nothing. They tell me every thing will be alright when i no longer believe that. They tell me they are here for me when im feeling down. They support me every step of the way. They promise they have my back. They Promise to catch me when i fall. I cant believe i am so lucky to have people like this. I have learned so much from them. I am learning that it is ok to ask for help. Three people have seen me break down, and i didnt feel embarrassed after i did, I felt better, because they helped me so much, They let me break down and then talked to me afterwards. They didnt turn away like they could have or walk away like they could have. They Cared, and that means so much. I dont know where i would be without them. Probably not in a good place. They are the only things that keep me sane. The only people that let me know everything is alright. So Thank you guys. I have needed you more than ever and you have been there supporting and helping me. It means the world to me!

It was nice to go see everyone today, I have been gone a week and it feels like a lifetime. Walking into The Drama Hall was weird, a rush of memories right as i went in, and i had only been gone a week. Everyone came out of the drama room and the next 15 minutes were filled with a gazillion "how are you's" hugs and "im so glad to see you's", its nice to know im loved. Becuase sometimes im dumb enough to lose sight of that. Reminders are always nice in times where you just want to give up and hide out in a dark room till its all over, but you cant because theres to much to go on. Certain people make me happy, and i saw them today so i went home in a good mood, sadly the mood is fading into thoughts and fears. The ones i try so hard to avoid but i cant. Its become rather familar, those thoughts and fears. The ones no one will understand. And its become all too routine knowing that i cant go to sleep untill i cant keep my eyes open any longer, well i could but those thoughts and fears will haunt me. Like a little voice in the back of my head getting louder and louder untill i cant take it anymore.





I didnt think i was going to be as scared this time around, but now that its a week and 2 days away, im scared. No way around it. No way to cope with it. But to accept that i have to face it, and try to put the best face on, untill its time. I actually fooled myself into thinking for like a minute that i wouldnt have to go, that i would be able to change the fact i have to have surgery. Like i said this lasted a minute.It makes me feel better knowing people want to come visit me and are praying that it will go fine, which it will. i just have to keep telling myself that. its going to go fine, its going to be alright, its going to be fine. I tell myself this day in and day out, and somewhere within the last two days i stopped believing it. I wanted to write happier entries, to distract myself from the sadness, worriedness, and non stop thinking, that i have been going thru for the past three weeks, but my posts to me get sadder and sadder. Im sorry.




But tomorrow is another day, another day where i will sleep late, wake up, fight with my mom about everything she doesnt understand, go see my friends(and be happy for a while) come home and think(and then be blah). Its all to routine, its all to routine. Soon tho my time will be filled with concentrating on getting better, for the goal of all of this, to have the best summer ever. I guess thats what i have to look forward to. But before that i have to face what i dont want to and thats what scares me. But i will get thru it and i will be fine, as long as i can believe that. i really do hope my friends come to visit, that would make this easier, to know that for sure they would come visit. But i wont be disapointed if some of them dont. Things happen, people get busy, stuff comes up. Ill understand.



Im sorry i havent been myself lately. Sorry i havent seemed more interested in things going on, or peoples problems. Im trying believ me Im trying. Dont give up on me because you think im being "bitchy" or whatever it is you think. Dont give up on me now, i need you all more than you know. Im sorry, for anything i have done in the past three weeks, that is mean or bitchy or whatever. i hope you all can understand.



"Hey, don't write yourself off yet
It's only in your head you feel left out or
looked down on.
Just try your best, try everything you can.
And don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away
Live right now.
Yeah, just be yourself.
It doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else.
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright)."
- the middle

"You don't need divine intervention for all the things that you never can face,
you don't need good intentions cause in the end it is all just a waste,
we all need an endless vacation from all the problems the world can provide,
just need reconciliation to repair what is wrong in your live,
I can't face the day, don't wanna try, I wanna waste away till I'm lost,
save me from all the chaos, I'll radiate till I'm gone so wait,
wait, so many things that you'll never break away,
wait, wait, save your answers, there's nothing when you're gone from here
It's only another day wasted that's replayed in the back of your mind,
snapshot, you suffocated among the shadows and little white lies,
you don't need a crude benediction, a pale savior you can sacrifice,
you just need a new definition when you're feelin' alone in the night,
you can't face the day, don't wanna try, I wanna waste away till I'm lost,
save me from all the chaos, I'll radiate till I'm gone so wait, wait,
so many things that you'll never break away,
wait, wait, save your answers, there's nothing when you're gone from here

You don't need divine intervention for all the things that you never can face,
you don't need good intentions cause in the end it is all just a waste,
we all need an endless vacation from all the problems the world can provide,
just need reconciliation to repair what is wrong in your live,
to repair what is wrong in your live, I can't wait,
wait, so many things that you'll never break away,
wait, wait, so many things that you never get a say,
wait, wait, so many things that you'll never break away,
wait, wait, save your answers, there's nothing when you're gone from here
You're gone from here"
-Pennywise