Not Much is going my way right now. Nothing really is except the support of my friends. Which i had begun to doubt untill saturday night. I dont know why they stick by me, but they do and i dont want to question it. I need them more then they know. They all tell me they want to help. that scares me, opening up to people scares me. Im scared that once i do ask for help, they will be scared away or they wont want to. Which is silly becuase they do want to help. Saturday night really reminded me of that. There was always a hug avaliable when i needed it. I was able to talk to one of my best friends about it and i felt alittle better, and everytime i saw him that night i got a hug which was nice, becuase he gives the "everythings going to be alright, im always here for you" hugs. Those are my favorite. I love him. I am so thankful for him and all my friends. I dont know why i wrote this, its just getting to the point where if i dont write about it its all i think about, and i havent been able to sleep lately becuase im worried, and scared

i havent been in a very good mood the past few days, I miss my friends.

I keep going back to saturday night. And how even though some people made me so mad, it was so much fun. I got so many hugs on saturday, mainly from casey, andrew, and matt. I felt so safe, and for the first time that everything was going to be alright. I want another hug, from one of those boys. Its so weird how you feel so different when different people hug you. Like casey's hugs are comfortable, like i feel so much better after it, and i feel safe. Andrews hugs are safe, like everything will be ok. Matts hugs are fun, for that minute i forget everything going on and just feel safe and comfortable. I love those boys so much, i really dont know where i would be without them.

Its not fair. Im going to miss everything now. Im going to miss the senior show, the ellies and graduation, everything i didnt want to miss. God I am So Mad. Its not Fair, Its Just nOt Fair. Why did i have to get sick. Becuase i got sick my surgery is postponed untill may 1st. I probably wont be out of the hospital by the time the senior show goes up. I dont want to miss it. I dont want to miss seeing the last time some of my best friends act at MP. UHG This Fricken Sucks.

Saturday ended to fast.
I wish i could go back and do it all again.
I wish i could go back to last summer and change what happend.
I wish i wasnt going through this alone.